Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
