why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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