I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
