i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize