it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
