She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
