next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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