wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
