She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
the condom got lost in my hair
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
