You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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