Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
