I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
