Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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