Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
