Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
