Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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