Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
