when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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