I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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