I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
