so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
