About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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