i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
