The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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