My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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