then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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