ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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