sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
