my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
