break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
