This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
