oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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