well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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