drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
