Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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