Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize