I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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