This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
