I take back everything I said about communal showers
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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