I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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