I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I believe in your delicious
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Drunk is a universal language darling
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
