just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
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