they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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