No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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