you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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