My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize