if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Did I show you my penis last night?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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