whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
