He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
