Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Blood and glitter go together right?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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