i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
