wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize