i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
