every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
