I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
