3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Apparently you make a good broom.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
