is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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