that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize