Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
