you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
