You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The Olympian is in my bed
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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