I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
